NŪR – A LOVE STORY PT. 2
Part 1: The Intention
“What??? Did you hear what she just said?? Why aren’t you saying anything? Knock some sense into her…what will people say? They will think she had a child out of wedlock and we’re trying to cover it up.”
That was my traditional Pakistani mother’s response (her words directed toward my father) nearly 15 years ago when I told her I wanted to adopt as a single woman. I was nearing the age where I would soon be labeled an old maid and, with no prospects lined for the near future, I decided to drop the bomb. I was destined to be a mother, and I wanted kids, or at least a kid, even if it meant being a single mom. It wasn’t going to be for another couple of years, but still, I wanted my parents to be prepared. It isn’t common for an unmarried single Pakistani woman to adopt a child without a husband, but I didn’t care what people said. I always felt that all of the children in the world deserved a loving home, and for those who didn’t have one, we could fulfill a need in each other.
As I’ve learned since that day nearly 15 years ago, sometimes a mere intention when dispersed into the universe unfolds something magical – a roadmap to a journey I had no idea would manifest so many years later.
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020
Part 2: First Comes Love...
Soon after making that declaration to my parents, life got hectic and kept me busy enough that I had little time to plan anything for my near or long-term future.
“Why don’t you meet any nice boys?” my mother would ask, to which I would reply:
“There aren’t any nice boys, and I don’t have time to meet anyone.”
“Well how will you have time if you’re always so busy? Why don’t you make time?”
“Well I’m busy because I don’t want to sit around waiting for someone. I’d rather just do what I want to do and if someone comes along I’ll meet him,” I’d argue back.
“That’s not how it works.”
“How do you know how it works? Don’t you always say it’s fate?”
“Just do whatever you want then – you always just do what you want, do you think your knight in shining armor is just going to come to you?”
“I don’t need a knight in shining armor, and I don’t expect that he’ll just come to me, but if I’m meant to meet someone we’ll find a way to just meet”
And so it happened – when I had become the hopeless of all hopeless cases on my way to becoming a sworn cat lady, I begrudgingly attended a fundraiser and met Suhail.
It was a close friendship, built on shared experiences, a love of similar tastes, music, food, and more importantly, the common connection of having similarly comedic dialogues with our very traditional Pakistani parents.
Nearly a year later when I finally told my parents about Suhail, my mother was nearly over the moon:
“I don’t care if he’s bluish green – if he’s Muslim and Pakistani, and willing to marry you, that’s good enough for me. When is his mother going to call me to ask for you?”
Eyeroll…
And so it began…the joining of two families to create our own…
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020
Part 3: The Birth of Leila & @nurskincare
Some of the story was told when we launched #nurlovestory nearly two years ago.
After Leila was born, I began to re-think the idea of adoption. Now that I had a biological child of my own, how could I be equitable? The love I felt for Leila was something other-worldly and I didn’t know if I could feel that same sensation again for a child who was a stranger, and if I couldn’t, didn’t that child deserve that? These became the fears that held me back.
Life also got in the way – recession, trying to make ends meet, starting and running a new business while also caring for a baby, etc.
Still, we wanted a sibling for Leila, but it almost seemed easier to just try to have another baby rather than consider the vast amount of paperwork in my already-too-busy life, not to mention the huge expense – how on earth would we afford an adoption? We had just invested everything we had into our business…
But fate, as it would seem, wanted to hold me to that promise that unfolded a spark in the universe 15 years ago.
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020
Part 4: Life…
Around the time Leila turned two, I began experiencing a type of fatigue that I had never experienced before. When previously I could dance for hours or engage in extreme physical activity, I could barely walk two blocks without wanting to lie down.
I felt the pressure to provide Leila a sibling, but with running a business around the clock and sleepless nights with her, my body wasn’t up for the task to house another being. I was depleted and weak, and when it was seemingly becoming more difficult to have baby #2, I began focusing on my failures and started on a downward spiral. People began asking, “when is Leila going to have a sibling”, and I began feeling the pressure and pain.
In our hectic lives, women take on multiple roles and when we don’t produce optimal results, society is tough on us, and as a result, we are tough on ourselves. Truthfully, I was tired, and it was hard for me to admit to myself that I was not invincible. I was working around the clock – Leila never slept much, and I was trying to be the perfect mother/wife/entrepreneur/daughter, and everything to everyone at all times and I never gave myself the chance to rest or recover.
Time was not on our side, and the stress of completing my family as I had imagined it was ever present on my mind. My mind wandered into all the realms of worry and anxiety that most parents feel -- what would happen to her when we passed? Will she be left all alone?
Incidentally, I came across an article about Pakistani baby girls being tossed in dumpsters because they were unwanted. As a Pakistani woman who has spent much of her life studying and criticizing women’s rights abuses in Muslim cultures, I was struck deep inside. The idea of removing at least one of these little girls from this fate was a re-kindling of my original intention from nearly 15 years ago.
When I ran the idea by Suhail, he was all for it. He had spent years building schools in the northern regions of Pakistan for young boys and girls and also felt the connection to the little girls from the country of our ancestors.
We began the adoption process in 2017, when we first moved back to Chicago, while Leila had just turned four.
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020
Part 5: Roadblocks
Adopting from Pakistan proved a lot more difficult than we had imagined. The largest orphanage in Pakistan, Edhi foundation, was in disarray after Mr. Edhi passed just months prior to our submission. We called every week for almost a year and a half, and were simply told that the government has put a standstill on international adoptions until further notice. We kept calling in the hopes that the stay would be removed. We heard rumors, though unverified, that the foundation was under investigation for mishandling of the children after the death of Mr. Edhi, that children were being trafficked or sold. After nearly two years of exhausting all possible options to no avail, disheartened and saddened, we finally gave up our dream of adopting our little girl from Pakistan.
Next we looked into adoption from Morocco, where we heard that the process was a lot more organized, and, considering the overarching Islamic culture of the country was familiar to us, we felt comfortable transferring our application there. However, we would be placed at the bottom of the queue, and the wait would be a year. By now it was 2019, so we expected we would have our child by 2020. We were told that girls were difficult to come by for international adoption, and that we should expect for Leila to have a baby brother.
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020
Part 6: The Covid Crisis
Well, everyone knows what happened in 2020, when we were supposed to receive our referral. Morocco had closed its borders and all international adoptions had ceased. Courts remained closed for nearly a year. This seemed to be our fate regardless of the country we chose.
At the start of 2021, we were told we could potentially go to Morocco by the end of the year, provided another variant of Covid didn’t cause more delays.
The onset of the pandemic was transformational for me in many ways, as it likely was for many people. I spent more time meditating and practicing gratitude, and despite being prone to secularism and scientific analyses, I began to pray. I saw the world begin to change before my very eyes and I began to realize my own insignificance. I was humbled to realize how little control we ever had over our lives, despite our belief in our abilities.
I prayed to whatever powers-that-be for guidance and peace with whatever the universe has in store for me and for my family. I prayed for acceptance and protection, and I prayed, as time was passing, that if a child was meant to come into our lives that we are able to provide it with the same love and care that we have provided for our daughter.
On November 17, 2021, we received an email from our adoption agency that we needed to be in Morocco on or before November 23. With just 6 days notice, we had to manage all of our work affairs, update our FBI clearances, medical records, gather all of our records, pack our bags, sort out Leila’s school situation, and book our flights to be in Morocco for our court date.
We were like headless chickens, and if you asked me how we managed, I wouldn’t quite be able to provide details, because that week of our lives seems foggy to me now.
Just two days before our departure, we were informed we were getting a baby GIRL! We were over the moon when we saw her picture and video – she was 15 months old and had just learned to walk..
It all seemed to make sense now…I felt that the long wait was a wait for her to be born.
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020
Part 7 – Welcome to Meknes, Fez, Morocco
We opted to stay in the old city (Medina) of Meknes, where there were no cars allowed. The streets were narrow and the houses had beautiful old archways and doors. The house we stayed in had a history dating back hundreds of years and was nostalgic of the old city streets and homes in Pakistan. The old souk, while peacefully calm and quiet at night, became alive during the days bustling with street vendors selling their wares. The aroma of fresh fish and grilled meats and fresh bread were omnipresent. The gates to the old city welcomed one with women waiting to decorate the hands of willing customers with their henna syringes, and fresh pomegranate and orange juice stalls, along with skilled artisans crafting leather, instruments, and upholstered furniture.
The manager of the home we stayed in, whose family became our dear friends, offered for his wife to cook a fresh tajine for us every evening. The arrangement was perfect and we were excited to welcome our baby girl into what felt like our home away from home.
The next day after our arrival, we went to the orphanage to meet our baby girl.
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020
Part 8 – The First Meeting
We were to come to the orphanage every afternoon, and because of Covid restrictions, we were given a specific window of time in order to control traffic. Unfortunately, this window meant that we would arrive while our baby girl was still napping, so that every time she was brought to us, she was woken from her sleep.
According to all the education we were provided about our first meeting, we expected to meet our child in a room with other children so that she could feel comfortable coming to us in her own environment. I fully expected not to hover over her or make her uncomfortable.
However, that’s not how our first meeting went. Instead, we were placed in an empty room, the little girl woken from her nap and placed in my arms – “here’s your new mama”, said her nurse. She sobbed in my arms for nearly three hours the first day. When I sat her down on the rug in the room, she rocked back and forth and refused to make eye contact with me or any one of us.
The next day was the same. It was brutal for us all, but I noticed that she was starting to connect with Leila. She started coming toward Leila and touching her forehead with Leila’s whenever she was given a toy. I even saw a faint smile.
The third day, Leila felt sick and Suhail stayed home with her while I went to the orphanage. The little girl was again woken from her nap and placed in my arms. She sobbed again for hours and I felt I no longer wanted to put her through this much pain. I felt frustrated at the lack of connection.
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020
Part 8.2 – Progress
On the 4th day, I made sure Leila was with me this time when we visited the orphanage as she was the only effective liaison. Something about her seemed to make the little girl’s eyes light up.
When we arrived, once again she was woken from her sleep and placed into my arms. I just held her on my chest and after a while I didn’t feel her moving but felt her breathing relaxed.
“She’s totally passed out”, said Suhail. It was nice to know that she felt comfortable enough in my arms to fall asleep. It meant she trusted me. It felt like progress.
Over the next few days, that became her routine – every day that we visited, she slept in my arms, on my chest, for the first hour and then when she woke up, she played with Leila. She started looking for me when I left the room, but when we left for the evening, she also seemed happy to be rid of us.
On one such evening, after about a week of this newly established routine, as I dropped her back to be with her caretakers, she turned back around and ran back toward me, arms wide open, and hugged me.
After that first week, she seemed more excited to see us. The feeling was mutual.
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020
Part 9 – Guardianship
I have always considered myself a protector, or guardian of my elder daughter, Leila. Before she was born, I was deeply moved by a poem I came across once by Kahlil Gibran, On Children. It starts, “your children are not your children – they are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself…they come through you but not from you, and though they are with you they belong not to you.” This embodied how I felt about my role as a mother. I always imagined that this little cosmic being was sent to this realm through my body as a portal, and that I was chosen as its guardian. So it was appropriate that instead of a legal adoption, Morocco instead grants a guardianship role for adoptive parents.
And now, we were chosen to be the guardians of another cosmic being.
On December 7th, we were granted the guardianship of Sofia Noor, and thus, our family was finally complete. The intention I had made so many years ago -- the spark that set the energy for one of the greatest projects of our life -- was now finally manifest.
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020
Part 10 – Family
My elder daughter, Leila, seemed to be having a hard time one day and I asked her about her feelings. She said, “mama, what if Sofia grows up and resents me because I’m biological and she’s adopted?”
Wise beyond her years, she voiced a legitimate concern that got me thinking about how I would address my own concerns of being equitable between the two.
While I don’t expect to have all the answers, I do know that love heals and that through continued prayer for guidance and through the love we all share, we will find a way to address all the challenges ahead and will learn to incorporate the blessing that has been gifted to us.
Welcome to our world, Sofia Noor Butt.
You are reading #nurlovestory2, a 10 part serial love story. Please follow our page, @nurskincare for the other parts, and check our #nurslovestory for the first part that was launched in 2020